It was perfect.

I reminisced about the old times at drama school and laughed and cringed about stories from back in the day. It was amazing to see how we’d all grown but yet we’re able to chat and laugh as if not a day had passed. I love friendships like that.

I lived in London from the age of 19-22 and quite honestly, I was miserable for the most part. I was so broke, around 7 stone and a blubbering ball of emotion on most days. My anxiety was through the roof and I will be forever grateful for my friends at that time. I most definitely cannot have been an easy person to love. Although only a mere 10 years ago, there definitely was not the same awareness to mental health as there is now and although perhaps there is more still to be learnt, I am glad to see work places, universities and places alike putting more of an emphasis on this.

I also had an undiagnosed autoimmune disease which was wreaking havoc with my life. The name of it is Graves’ disease. It sounds horrendous but actually it’s named after someone who goes by the name of Bob Graves or something like that- I’m sure they didn’t think about how that would feel to someone sitting in a doctors chair hearing the words “You have Graves Disease’. Like good grief Bob, should have put your ego aside for that one and called it something else instead of making every patient think that the grave is exactly where they are going.

The great thing bout autoimmune diseases is that they mostly come in pairs and my twin for Graves is Celiacs disease. When I first got my diagnosis and I researched this allusive Graves’ disease; so much made perfect sense. It is the name given to a condition which causes the thyroid to go into an overactive state. Your thyroid is almost like NASA for your body so it can have a crazy effect on everything and can effect your emotions, weight and digestion to name but a few. Like everything though, you can mostly always look back at hard times and crystal clearly see the lessons you learned.

This is the advice I would give now to my 20 yr old self.

Perhaps many of you can relate or perhaps your thinking of someone that you need to share this with.

To 20 yr old Steph,

You will be living with your mum at 32. This isn’t the plan you wanted but you will learn it’s ok not to have your sh*t together by 25. In fact it’s ok to never have your sh*t together. The pressures society place on you to be married and own a house by x age are not in fact the rule of the land. Your happiness is of upmost importance and the truth is that you are in a position where you get to do what you love absolutely every day- that’s rare. You are way braver that you think you are and way stronger than you think you are. You’re going to graduate from drama school and you’re never going to perform on a stage like that again. Oh I wish you’d relax and enjoy that feeling a little. Absolutely no one is judging you the way you think they are. No-one! You will worry less about what people think about you when you realise they seldom do. Although right now, the idea of not using this degree terrifies you however this is not your path. You have not failed because you didn’t make it to Broadway or the Westend. Delve deep into yourself and realise that actually, it’s not really setting your soul on fire anyway so just because that’s what you studied doesn’t mean that that’s what you have to do for the rest of your life.

When you leave London you fall into the trap of the golden handcuffs. The plan to stay in this job for four months somehow manages to become 4 years. Your not made for a desk job at all but you do find the importance of personal development and start to find the courage to truly find what sets your soul on fire. No amount of money in the world is worth sacrificing your mental health. You are then offered a golden opportunity. However we’re still learning here so that one comment from that one girl that is stopping you from working your business now, will have such a profound effect on you that you won’t take your business seriously for a 10 whole years. It is what is is. Don’t beat yourself up about this. The irony is, the person who made the comment is no longer in your life any more and in fact was never a major part of your life anyway. No one is paying your bills for you so do not let it impact you any more that it needs to.

“The relationship you have with yourself will set the tone for every other relationship you have.” Listen to me loud and clear – you are worth WAY more than what HE says or does and he sure as hell does not give a sh*t about you. “Self love is the highest frequency that attracts to you everything you want.” There will be a few more hard lessons like this in your thirties but I promise you this; you are a passionate, creative woman. You don’t have all the answers but you know your worth. It will take you a long time to accept you for who you are and you learn not to tolerate being around anyone who makes you feel anything less.

You do not need a boyfriend to validate your own existence. In fact, you will get to a point where you will be so content on living your life, working your businesses and loving life that any relationship you have will be a bonus and a beautiful addition to your already fulfilled life. You have to work on yourself first to be a complete whole to be someone else’s other half. Thank you Carrie Bradshaw – SITC. You are an empowered female and entrepreneur and it is absolutely ok to be an independent woman. In fact, there is nothing sexier than just that.

Naturally, you don’t get to your 30s without acquiring some limiting self beliefs. We’re starting to learn now that in actual fact these are just stories that we have repeated to ourselves so much that it has formed an integral part of our belief system that actually no longer serves us. “I don’t have any self discipline!” “I can’t seem to stick to anything and see it through” “I’m not all that successful at anything I do” “I have crippling stage fright” We learn to recognise the negative narrative and stop it in it’s tracks. This is an on going process and I am excited to see what happens in the next 10 years as a result of recognising these behavioural patterms and self sabotaging thoughts. Fact is, when you look back on the past few years or so, you can clearly see so many different situations where you proved every single limiting belief wrong and you will continue to do so.

To finish… 20 yr old Steph – I am so proud of you. We’ve had challenges for sure but I am so grateful for every single lesson we have endured as they have all formed a beautiful story and brought us to where we are now. I look forward to what advice 40 yr old Steph will have for us.

“The purpose of this glorious life is not simply to endure it, but to soar, stumble, and flourish as you learn to fall in love with the existence. We were born to live my dear not to merely exist.” -Becca Lee

To you reading, what advice would you give your 20 yr old self?

Whatever it is, be proud of yourself. You’ve been silently winning battles and transforming yourself.

Be proud of every step forward in the right direction and remember to clap for your own damn self.

Love, So Much Love,

Steph XXX