What a phrase.

One that could not be further from the truth. The fact is we are human beings much like everyone else. I’d bet that the majority of yoga professionals found their way to the practise, not because they are a mystical creature called upon by the yoga gods but more so that there was a need for something more. Perhaps a painful time in their lives brought them to discover the practise of yoga and in turn led them to share the passion with others.

I can categorically say that I am most definitely not in a perpetual state of zen and if any yoga teacher pretends they are then I’d be very wary.

I think it’s important to be completely transparent and honest as that’s what makes us authentic and relatable. Yoga came into my life when I needed it most and is the case for many. At the age of 16 my Dad and absolute hero dropped down dead very suddenly. A day like every other day turned out to be the worst of my entire life. Grief will undoubtedly affect us all at one point in life so isn’t it strange how something that we all will go through can you make you feel so lonely?

16 is already a strange age- or rather it was for me. Your figuring out who you are and trying to navigate the next stages of your life and then your thrown a curve ball like grief to deal with. I’m not sure how I was supposed to deal with it but it felt like a fine cloth that was unravelling thread by thread over time. This whole ‘time is a healer’ thing is bollocks in this case. It never does get easier but you do get better at dealing with it.

Everything is different.

You’re different, your surroundings are different. Life completely changes as you know it and yet you have to somehow carry on because life just doesn’t all of a sudden stop. Perhaps at this point I should be imparting some sort of profound wisdom in order to help here but I truly don’t know how I managed to function some days.

What I do know is that grief manifests in so many ways- anger, weird humour, exhaustion and deep deep sadness which I’m sure I went through them all in a 24 hour period. For the next few years I’d sleep walk through life.

Then at the age of 18 I was accepted to drama school in London. So I packed my things and moved. I rented a room in a 4 bedroom house with three other girls I’d never met before and the change of circumstances suppressed the grieving process somewhat. I delved into studying and routine took over but all the while unaddressed emotions were bubbling away under the surface.

I think it reached a crescendo around my second year.

I began to detach myself from everything and everyone. My anxiety was an all time high and my emotions were all over the place. I was exhausted. Drama school in itself is a surreal experience. The industry is a fickle one where your talent and appearance is constantly scrutinised. I was so acutely aware of what people thought of me to the point it consumed my every thought. My coping mechanism was to berate myself with negative self talk and hurt myself enough so that what other people said and thought wouldn’t have an effect. How backward is that?

I had heard about this type of yoga that was performed in a sauna like environment and thought it sounded like fun. Low and behold a studio opened a short walk from my home so thought I’d check it out. I arrived there for the first time on my own and the place was heaving. Full of different people from different backgrounds all shapes and sizes. I set myself up on a mat near the back of the room and hid myself away.

We started with the first breathing exercise and I think it was the first time I had truly allowed myself to breathe properly.

With every exhale my shoulders sunk away from my ears and the tension began to ease. For 90 full minutes I was focused and alert. My mind was quiet and I was completely present. I felt exhilarated. I’d physically and mentally detoxed- I was completely hooked. I’d love to say that since that point I have in fact been in an eternal state of bliss but that’s not true and it’s also not life. I’ve had many moments where the negative chatter starts and for a while I succumb to it. I’ve had periods of time away from my own practise and noticed my mental health starts to decline.

This is still something i deal with most days but I am beyond grateful for yoga, for the community and yoga family around me and the tools I have found to help me cope and thrive.

I truly hope whoever you are reading this that you too can find your own sense of peace.

Lots of love,

Steph

Xxx